


This Is Really Good

by Feffernoose



Category: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-03
Updated: 2017-05-03
Packaged: 2018-10-27 13:14:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,036
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10809741
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Feffernoose/pseuds/Feffernoose
Summary: I closed my eyes and a bus hit me.





	This Is Really Good

My little pony but the ponies have a desk job. Princess Peach is yelling anxiously at princess twilight sparkle, because they are princess buddies, and yelling is what they do together. “twilight” she is yelling, still. “where are those escrow rates.” “of course here they are” twilight whispers frenetically, trotting up to the desk and grooming the hair of children. I was late to this because I had no money left. “I’m sorry I was late to this but I have no money left.” Princess peach was really sad and tried to find words to use to respond with to Twilight Sparkle, princess of friendship but she found her lips were frozen, and small gurgles were escaping through streams of water forcing their way out of her mouth. She was throwing up because of some nasty indian food last night. “dear celestica” twilight said, in shock. “today I witnessed the friendship of magic. It was horrifying. I’m never working in this office again!” with that, twilight flew away, leaving pink slips of paper everywhere, with love notes on them, truly she loved princess peach but knew that they could not be together because princess celestia was kind of homophobic and every one was too afraid to say anything about it. In the afterlife twilight met a horse named twilight sparkle, which was herself. They danced for a while, but soon had to move on. Rainbow dash was late for her manicure! She was late because she was out late busy catching pokemon with which to use to finally murder spike, her estranged son, which was a secret no one could know. “Spike is my son!” she yelled, in front of the mirror, as she did every night for the past sixteen years. It was her practice, she was getting great at it, and she had spent all of her money soundproofing her house so that no one could hear her screaming and learn of the deep dark secret that was her past, fraught with frigidity, and angel was quite sad. Rainbow dash realized that she was late for her second job as a lighting designer in the masterpiece theater, and she rainbow chased off to her next fantastic production of RENT. “god I hate this show” said twilight sparkle, who had returned from hell just in time to meet up with her friends and support the prosperity of her morally rich neighbor, rainbow dash, who had spent the last sixteen years literally screaming out her window about how much she loved spike, and it was really fucking annoying because twilight sparkled wanted to fucking sleep god fucking damn it. Suddenly this story wasn’t about ponies anymore and homura from the popular fantasy series “Dragonball Z” arrived, carrying a staff of flames. Twilight, who was still here, said that she was really tired of this happening every five minutes. It wasn’t too late though. Homura walked up to twilight and asked her if she wanted to make a contract. Twilight said that she really had to get back to the office, and then she was back at the office. Princess peach was still vomiting, but then she got replaced by a stranger. “welcome to my home” she whispered in dulcet tones. “if you listen to this, you are a weeb”. Twilight was so exasperated! She slapped herself in the face. “no way I have gotten myself involved in these sorts of shenanigans again, I’ll tell you.” The stranger walked up to her. “do you want to start a new life?” she asked menacingly. “Yes, mother, I do.” There was a wicked smile. Suddenly all was lost. Twilight woke up the next morning in her own bedroom, which was strange because usually she slept in a room that all of the other ponies slept in, and yet they weren’t here, sleeping in her room, nor were their beds sleeping, or anything really, as she could tell using her sleep detector. “curious” she snorted, ready for a vacation.  There was a creak as the door opened, and the stranger slowly stepped into the office, bringing the night in behind her. “I hope you’ve had a nice somnolence” she echoed, flames in her eyes. Twilight laughed. “this is a good story, and I’m very excited for my awards.” She picked up the knife that she had used to kill fluttershy, and started to cut the cake that the stranger was bringing her. “thanks for everything you’ve done for me” she said. The stranger smiled, and replied “you’re very welcome dearie. I am so very happy to help” with a voice that echoed like a thousand violins snapping their chords all at once. The blood leaked out of her eyes for a moment, but all was well later. The stranger slowly moonwalked backwards out of the room, “let me know if you need anything my love” she was saying as she did, and then locked the door several times, “good ol mother” twilight giggled, silently in love with herself. She picked up the pillow that she had used to suffocate her best friend spike, and used it to suffocate her best friend rainbow dash.  Suddenly she was in the past, and pop music was fashionable again. In the good ol days, pinkie pie had been known as something of a rock and roll star, but she lost a lot of her money in the later times because people kept stealing it from her and then using it to buy Molotov cocktails which were then thrown through her bedroom windows and the house kept burning down and buying a new house is really expensive so she had to take out a lot of loans from her dear best friend Twilight Sparkle who told her that their love would be forever and pinkie laughed nervously like yeah haha ok I guess, and twilight whistled the tune from the TV SHOW friends which was still existing at this point in time, just to set the scene, before twilight locked pinkie in the basement and provided her with three meals a day, and no windows for which Molotov cocktails could be thrown, and for this pinkie was very thankful, and she made sure to give twilight sparkle a raise when she would eventually decide to start a real estate business that employed her best friend Twlight Sparkle, and unfortunately twilight went insane and  used dark magics to transform pinkie pie in to the popular childrens cartoon character Princess Peach, the worst . “unhand me you cur” fluttershy yelled in the present, forgetting that she was dead, and just now remembering that twilight had promised that they were going to get married. She felt so many emotions at once, like, pity, and sadness, and good gravy, and incompetence, and angery, and tacos, and it was really overwhelming for her, so she took to a life of witchcraft, which is an original idea. Using dark magics of her own, she asked twilight on a date, and she rejected her because SHE wanted to be the one to use dark magics to ask FLUTTERSHY on a date. They battled fiercely for several miniutes, using dark magics to ask each other on a date. It was so hot that spike literally died.  Rarity, who I’d forgotten about until right now despite her being my favorite pony, suddenly woke up from the dream she was having about fashion, and stepped into the middle of the dark magic death circle. Screaming with pride, she was transformed into the relationship counselor. She gave twilight and fluttershy some advice about how they could keep things fresh and exciting in their lives, without having to keep murdering their friends and using their blood to paint runes on the walls that locked them eternally to the servitude of their masters, twilight sparkle and fluttershy, the darkest duo to ever exist. Twilight was gay. Rarity yelled “this is really good!” fluttershy was really happy, and the two of them left rarity behind with a knife in her so that they could go back to rainbow dash’s play, which had just finished, and now rainbow dash was crying because she realized that truly in her heart, she did love spike, and that’s why he had to die. She sat down and watched Boss Baby with Alec Baldwin for a few minutes. Rainbow dashes kept appearing everywhere across the country and it was becoming quite a problem, but Twilight Sparkle was too busy manipulating her other friends into acts of treason, and the other princesses were on vacation in the human world on a beach in the south of france, where humans were not allowed to go anymore because of a toxic spill that conveniently answers the question of why there were big tall magical ponies that could speak human language, and use magic to control the seasons and the hearts and wills of the people. Princess Cadence broke up with Shining Armor because Twilight was in love. “I’m sorry shining armor, it is not to be.” “but whyest dear darling,” shining armor sobbed, a bottle of fake mayonnaise between his hooves. “I thought things were going so well.” “you were wrong, my love,” cadence replied using someone else’s bank account. Shining armor was lost in a maze for two years, as was regal custom, and it wasn’t a very hard maze, but there was an immigrations officer in a booth at the end, and he was kind of racist, so it took a really long time for shining armor to get out of there. For the rest of the story, shining armor will be ignored, and we will focus more on the exploits of twilight sparkle, which is much more interesting, and has (natural) purple hair. For the last five paragraphs she had been waiting on line at Costco, because she had a membership card and her dear love Fluttershy wanted some discount tacos. She was getting pretty annoyed, and one paragraph later she decided to remove everyone else in the Costco from there. Fluttershy could not escape this dream she was in, even though she kept trying to, and it was possible that it was the result of a dark spell that was cast on her fifty years ago, when she was younger. Twilight Sparkle, was sad about this, and remembered that she had the ability to do everything, so she did at once, and to everyone’s surprise Apple Jack appeared in the story to say some country things like “yall” and “twilight sparkle is holding me here against my will and keeps stealing my blood to put into Fluttershy’s morning coffee because that is the only way she can keep her dark hold on the blonde beauty.” Fluttershy was so annoyed by Apple Jack’s stupid accent that she woke up all of a sudden and told Apple Jack rather respectfully to grow up, which Apple Jack did a long time ago, so it was rather ironic a thing for her to say, and Apple Jack realized this and with tears in her eyes accepted Fluttershy’s application to Brown University. Screaming lightly, Twilight Sparkle appeared in the silent movie era to congratulate Fluttershy and then remove her intelligence so that she was doomed to get A minuses on all her tests, and forcefully look up to Twilight’s bulging intellect every moment of every day, worshipping the very ground she stood on, which was about to give way since it was drawn on an animation cel rather than painted onto the background. Falling deeply in love, Twilight announced that she would be giving up her title as Supreme Ruler of Friendship in order to accept the lesser title of Supreme Ruler of Everything Including Friendship. Unfortunately this meant giving up her dental insurance plan. Everyone was so moved to tears by this great act of sacrifice that Fluttershy immediately married Twilight against her own will and signed some documents so that they could share Fluttershy’s dental insurance plan, an act fully precipitated by Twilight’s plan to guilt trip every pony she came across during her road trip across continental America. Successful once again, she purposefully defenestrated Fluttershy, to her great demise, and they all lived happily ever after.


End file.
